Personals Ad (Reprise)


Greetings to you all
I hope this weather finds you well
I’m looking for a partner
On my private road to hell

You should be codependent, and
Neurotic would be nice
And please make sure I’ll have to say
Everything at least twice

Consideration isn’t a
Consideration in my book
I’m really into people
Who don’t care how they look

And have an agro attitude
On unimportant things
I like the subtle benefits
That lack of bathing brings

If you could just go on and on
In a voice which tends to grate
On subjects dark and negative
That I’d appreciate

It’s hard to find a woman
Who really wants to please
So you should know right now
I’m just not looking for a tease

I want somebody sensuous
And you don’t qualify
Unless a finger snap will bring you
On your back to lie

Don’t think that I’m demanding
For I am surely not
Just strip to lingerie at home
And fling your hair a lot

And watch TV with pointed toes
And smile at me real nice
I’ll understand some afternoons
You’ll only want to do it twice

When we agree to meet
I might be just a little late
If I have to pull over
And stop to medicate

Besides, I like a sexual
Atmosphere to create
It gets me extra horny
When I make my women wait

In the department of good looks
I do have to admit
I don’t resemble movie stars
One single little bit

But what are a few missing teeth
And a beer belly, anyway?
Unfair expectations
Are what women have today

They just don’t want a real man
It’s all, “Pull your pants up, dude”
“No one wants to see your crack”
And “That’s just fuckin’ rude!”

Real men get tired of hearing that stuff
Morning, noon and night
It tends to naturally put
Them in the mood to fight

But fighting’s good for people
That’s how we communicate
All my friends do it day and night
They get along just great!

I realize at some point
You will look me up online
And that’s really okay with me
I mean it — it’s just fine

There are a couple little things
You probably should know
So you don’t to conclusions
Prematurely jumping go

Some of those faces by my name
Are not pictures of mine
Just the ones that still have hair
Which show me looking fine

And just ignore those diatribes
From lovers in the past
They’re just mad ’cause they didn’t have
What it took to last

It’s really their own issues
They’re trying to avoid
When they call me insulting
Violent and paranoid

Just so you know, I’m really not
Addicted to strong drink
No matter what all those girls say
And my relatives think

As for that little bit about
My love affair with weed
Heroin and MDA and
LSD and speed

It’s not fair to keep bringing up
Stuff that’s past and done
It’s been at least a couple weeks
Since I had any fun!

But do you think I credit get
For cleaning up my act?
There’s no gratitude in this world
That is a freakin’ fact

I hope to find somebody who
Really loves the NBA
The NFL and NHL
And also PGA

I like to play them really loud
So even if I have to go
And fetch my own damn beer I still
The current score can know

But that’s just if you’re napping
Or have something in your eye
I’m looking for a woman
On whose services I can rely

I’m glad to send a picture
Of my Harley or my car
Could you send one from neck down
So I can see how you are?

And while you’re at it, please include
Your number and email address
Detailed directions to your home
Thank you so much, God bless!


Leave a Reply

Please log in using one of these methods to post your comment: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s